Sometimes It Hurts To Breathe
by Echo Smythe
Summary: Ginny and Hermione bond over Depression. There are betrayal issues. Ginny makes a decision that changes everything.
1. Default Chapter

SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO BREATHE 

Copyright 2002 by Echo Smythe

**DISCLAIMER: **None of the characters in this fic belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, Inc. I am borrowing them for the purpose of this fic, and I promise to return them in their original condition once I'm through with them. Please don't sue, as I am only a poor college student and am making no money from this story.

**NOTE:** This fic contains explicit talk of Depression and suicide, and may be triggering.

**This Fic Has Been Rated PG-13 **for suicide themes. **Reader Discretion is Advised.**

**DEDICATION: **This fic was written in loving memory of Karen Ortiz (1982-2002), who probably would have loved _Harry Potter_ if she'd had the chance to read one of the books. I realized one day that the way _Harry, Hermione_, and _Ron_ treat _Ginny _was the way that we all once treated you, Karen, and I remember how happy you were when you were brought into our "secret world." That is what inspired this fic. I'm so sorry things ended up the way that they did. I wish I could change things, but I cannot. I miss you. A lot. And, more importantly: I forgive you.


	2. Part One: Trust

PART ONE: Trust 

Ginny Weasley had many friends, although she cherished none as much as Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, and her brother Ron. Ginny was a grade younger than Ron and his friends, and she loved being able to hang out with them. Hermione was intelligent and was almost always able to figure out exactly the right detail to save the day when Harry and Ron were in a crisis. Harry was heroic and was adored by the wizard world for defeating He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (the Dark Lord) on more than one occasion. Ron didn't seem to be anything extraordinary, however Ginny still adored him and liked to hang out with him.

            It always bothered Ginny when the other three would whisper to each other when she was out of earshot. They always seemed to have some secret of great importance going on, however they fell silent the moment she got close by. Over the years, Ginny had grown used to this behavior. Now, Ron, Hermione, and Harry were in their final year at Hogwarts, and Ginny desperately wanted to be a member of their inner circle. This would after all be her last chance to get involved in whatever adventure was thrown their way.

            When Ginny entered the Gryffindor Common Room one afternoon, it was empty aside from Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They appeared to be having an intense conversation. To Ginny's amazement, they did not stop speaking when she entered the room.

            "Ginny! Over here," Hermione called, waving her over.

            Ginny sat down beside Hermione. "What's going on?" She asked.

            "Ginny, if we tell you this, you have to swear to keep it a secret," Hermione began.

            "Sure! Sure I will," Ginny said, excitedly tossing her head of flaming red hair. 

            "Okay. Hagrid found a baby dragon in the Forbidden Forest. She was hurt badly, and he needs us to help him take care of it. The thing is, she needs constant care, and Harry, Ron and I are all in Care of Magical Creatures at the same time. As you know, Hagrid is the teacher, so that means the dragon will be alone. Is there any chance you're free during third period on Mondays and second period on Thursdays?"

            Ginny thought quickly. She had muggle studies during those times, but she didn't want to lose her chance to be "part of the gang." Muggle studies was an easy class, and she figured she could study on her own and still pass it. She flashed a wide grin and said, "Yes, I'm free during those times!"

            "Fantastic! But remember, you can't tell _anyone_ about this, alright? Dragons are illegal and Hagrid could get into a lot of trouble if you tell."

            "So could _we_," Ron added.

            "Yes, tons of it," Harry jumped in. "In fact, we shouldn't even be doing this at all, but the dragon's so tiny… And she can't survive on her own right now. Even if we asked your brother to come pick her up and take her to be with other dragons, she'd never survive the journey."

            "I swear I won't tell anyone! Thank you guys so much for trusting me," Ginny said. She was glowing with pride.

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            The following afternoon, Hermione gave Ginny a book on dragons and their care. "Don't let anyone see that. They may get suspicious," Hermione said cautiously.

            "Don't worry, I'll hide it," Ginny promised. However, someone spotted Ginny reading it that evening. She quickly made up an excuse for her reasons for having the book and gave it back to Hermione for safekeeping.

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            Things were going amazingly well. Ginny loved being in on all of Harry, Hermione, and Ron's secrets, and she was having fun taking care of the dragon. It was far more interesting than muggle studies would have been, and she was certain of that. She also enjoyed spending extra time with Hermione. The two girls were growing closer every day.

            "Hermione, do you ever feel down?" Ginny asked. She had never dared to discuss this subject with anyone before, however she felt as though Hermione would understand.

            "How do you mean?" Hermione asked.

            "Down. Like depressed."

            "Oh, sure. Lots of times. Everyone does."

            "I don't mean like the general kind, Hermione. I mean… I mean, like, _really_ down. Like you're so down that you never quite get back up."

            Hermione was thoughtful for a moment. "Yes, Ginny, I have been," she admitted. "For a long time, I was depressed. I still am, really, but I'm trying to get beyond it. Are you depressed, Gin?"

            "Yes. I'm depressed." As soon as Ginny said it, she felt as though a shadow that had been hanging over her was gone and the sun was finally shining down on her. She had told someone the truth, something she had longed to do for years. She had Depression, and she did not know what to do about it. Suddenly, before she could stop herself, Ginny began to weep.

            "Oh Ginny… Is it _that_ bad? I'm sorry. I know how hard it is."

            "Sometimes it hurts to breathe."

            "I know."

            "And I can't stand being here, and I just wish I'd wake up dead one day."

            "I used to be just like you." Hermione hugged the younger girl, suddenly feeling Ginny's emotions. She understood more than she wanted to, and she was desperate to help end Ginny's pain. "I know how hard it is when all you want to do is lay in bed and waste away."

            "How do you beat this, Hermione?"

            "I don't know. I'm still trying to beat it, and it's a struggle every day. I guess you just have to keep fighting, no matter what happens. The only other option is suicide, and that's not the answer. It won't solve anything."

            "I know, but sometimes… Gods, sometimes I really want to die. It seems like everything would just go away then, and it would all be easier."

            "But you'd probably haunt the place you died, like Moaning Myrtle. I don't think I'd want to be a ghost who is as miserable as I sometimes am."

            "You have a point. Still, it's so hard to keep that in mind when you're desperately trying to hang on to sanity, you know?"

            "Yes," Hermione said sadly, "I know." And, for the first time in a long time, both girls felt at peace, even though they were in pain.

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            For weeks, Hermione and Ginny discussed their battles with Depression. A closeness was formed between them that they found with no one else. Ginny, who had never had any close friends, finally felt somewhat happier about things.

            Unfortunately, chaos soon arrived once again. Mrs. Weasley came to the school to see her daughter and demanded to know why she was failing muggle studies.

            "Your father would be ashamed! I haven't told him yet because I want to hear your side of the story. What happened, Ginny? You're smarter than that," Mrs. Weasley said.

            "I'm sorry, Mum-" Ginny stammered, but her mother would not allow her to speak yet.

            "You need to tell me why this happened, and it had better be a good excuse! Your teacher tells me you haven't been to class in weeks! Why on earth would you cut class?"

            "It was Hermione, Ron, and Harry, Mum!" Ginny said suddenly, panicking. She needed to tell her mother something, or she would be punished, possibly even expelled.

            "What about your brother and his friends?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

            "We… Well, there's this dragon and Hagrid has them hiding it in the school and taking care of it."

            "Dragon! Dragons are dangerous, and illegal to keep, especially in a school environment!" 

            "And I helped. They talked me into it." Ginny sighed inwardly. Why was she lying to her mother? It hadn't taken any persuasion on the part of the others to get Ginny to help. "The dragon's really big and scary, and they told me that if I didn't help, it would hurt me!"

            "Oh my goodness, I can't believe this! How could they do something so stupid, and cruel?" Mrs. Weasley held her daughter, willing to believe anything except that Ginny had done this of her own free will. Ginny was her perfect daughter. She could accept that Ron and Harry had gotten into trouble and had dragged Hermione into it. This wouldn't be the first time. But she knew Ginny would never be involved with such dangerous things willingly.

            "I was so frightened, Mum!" Ginny wept. She was lying, but she couldn't seem to control the words coming from her mouth. _Stop this, Ginny,_ she scolded herself. _Don't lie about this. You can't just sit back and watch them get into trouble._

            "I'll make sure the school knows what is going on immediately! Imagine, the nerve of them! I'm stunned at this behavior!" And, before Ginny could say another word, her mother stomped off to talk to a staff member. It was too late to turn back.

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            "We're in trouble," Ron said, pulling Harry and Hermione into a corner.

            "What's wrong?" Hermione asked.

            "My father just sent me an urgent owl. Apparently, thanks to Mum, the whole staff thinks we've started some dragon cult with Hagrid or something!"

            "Slow down, Ron. What happened?" Harry asked.

            "It's Ginny! She told Mum some story about us involving her with some dangerous creature and Mum threw a fit and told the school and… It's bad. They know too much, plus they know a lot of lies, too."

            Hermione froze. "But… Why would Ginny do that? I mean, she wouldn't. She couldn't have…"

            "She _did_, Hermione," Ron said. "And we're all in a load of trouble."

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            The following morning, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into McGonagall's office to cover up what had happened. Somehow, the three of them managed to convince her that there was no dragon, much less a cult, in the school. McGonagall seems suspicious, but let it go. The dragon was strong enough now to be on it's own, so Hagrid sadly sent her on her way.

            That same day, Hermione was sitting in the room where they had kept the dragon. She was crying. When the door opened, she expected to see Ron or Harry standing there, but it was Ginny. Hermione stared at her once-friend whom she now felt so much anger toward.

            "Hey," Ginny said cheerfully, acting as though nothing were wrong.

            "Don't." Hermione said, filling the single syllable with stinging hatred.

            "What? What's wrong?" Ginny asked, keeping her tone concerned, but unknowing.

            "You know perfectly well what's wrong," Hermione said.

            "I don't think I do."

            "How could you do this to us, Ginny? You _swore_!"

            "Oh, _that_." Ginny shook it off. "You can't blame me for what my mother did."

            Hermione sat, stunned at Ginny's behavior. How could she go on acting as though this were no big deal? Ginny was about it sit down. "Get. Out." Hermione said it calmly, but made each word sting.

            "Fine," Ginny said. "I didn't want to stay here today, anyway." She walked out of the room.

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            No one would speak to Ginny for the rest of the month, including Ron. She spent hours locked in her dorm room alone. She was sinking back into her Depression and it was growing worse than ever. "There is only one thing I can do," Ginny said. "There's only one way to make things right again." She took out a pen and parchment and began to write.


	3. Part Two: Ginny's Decision

**PART TWO: Ginny's Decision**

_Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one out there who sees the truth; the one that sees that life isn't pretty, and Utopia can never exist. Oh sure, we all have our fun sometimes, and there are moments when life seems perfect, but it's never actually there. I don't know what I'm trying to say, or why I'm even bothering. I guess I just feel like people need to realize how bad life can be. You're probably thinking, "She's so young. What can she possibly know about life?" Well, I know a lot more than one might think. It is impossibly difficult to be a sixteen-year-old girl, Witch _or_ muggle._

_            Sometimes I wonder why life can be so unlivable. Sometimes I wonder why wonderful, perfect, happy people die before their time, while miserable, lost souls like me are forced to continue our existence as walking zombies. I am not alive in any sense of the word except the physical, and I cannot stand wandering the earth without a purpose or the ability to feel any of the things everyone else can feel. All I see is sorrow and pain. I understand nothing else. Oh, I smile, and I laugh at all the right moments, but that is simply an automatic reaction to whatever it is that is going on around me. _

_            Sometimes it feels as though my life is a story, and I'm sitting back and reading instead of living it. I am sick and tired of feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I am sick and tired of being alive without _feeling_ alive. It's time for me to write my own ending to this book._

_            Sometimes I think about hanging in and waiting to see if this really will pass like they all say it will. Then I realize that it won't, and that I'm always going to be miserable. So I am going to end it, and my only regret is that some people will be hurt by this. I never meant to hurt any of you, but I already have, so what is a little more pain?_

_            Ron, you've always watched out for me, and I know you love me, even if you insist that I'm just annoying. I'm so sorry that I betrayed you. Please take care of yourself._

_            Bill, I miss you, and Charlie, too. You're the perfect older brothers and I know this will hit you both hard. I don't want you to think it's because you weren't around, because it's not. It's just that I can't handle things anymore._

_            Percy, Percy, Percy… I love you. Really, I do. You may be a pain in the bum sometimes, but you've always been so smart, and I really admire you for your dedication when you make up your mind to do something._

_            Fred and George, you two have always made me smile, and I love you for it. You're both amazingly funny and know how to find humor in anything. I hope you can use that after I'm gone to help the rest of the family. I love you both so much, you have no idea. Don't you dare cry for me!_

_            Mum and Daddy… Oh Mum, Daddy… I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I know this will hurt you both so much. Please don't be angry with me._

_            Harry, I've been in love with you since before I met you. I still love you, in a way. Please don't blame yourself, because this isn't your fault. You're my hero, Harry. I am so sorry I hurt you._

_            Hermione, you were there for me when I had no one else to talk to. You were my best friend, and you were the only one who understood me, even when I didn't understand myself. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to tell Mum what we were doing, and I really didn't mean to tell those lies, but I was desperate for an excuse, and I blurted it out. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. After that, you all stopped talking to me, and I was so alone. I felt so trapped and I had no one to talk to, and I just couldn't handle this on my own. _

_            To whoever finds me, I'm sorry you had to make a rather gruesome discovery. Please try to put it out of your mind. Do a memory charm if it helps._

_            I've done a terrible thing and it can't be undone. The only way to fix it is for me to leave you all so you can move on with your lives. I'm so terribly lonely, and I don't believe that I can put this off any longer. There is no logical reason for me to remain here._

_            Okay, so there it is. I love you all. I'm sorry if I hurt any of you. Please forgive me._

_Eternally,_

_Ginny Weasley_

            Minerva McGonagall shrieked when she entered the empty Gryffindor Common Room and discovered that young Ginny Weasley had slit her wrists. She attempted to revive the girl, but it was of no use. Ginny was dead.


	4. Part Three: Regret

PART THREE: Regret 

             "No." Hermione whispered. "No, please don't say that, Professor. Please. She's _not_ dead. She _can't_ be dead."

            "Hermione, I'm afraid that, by the time I found her, it was too late," Professor McGonagall said gently. She had called the girl into her office right after telling Ron and sending an owl to the rest of the Weasleys.

            "No!" Hermione stood. "God, why? Why didn't I talk to her?"

            "Hermione, don't blame yourself. You could not have prevented this."

            "I'm the reason she did it!" Hermione sobbed. "We ignored her, and we turned the school against her. God, she didn't have anyone to talk to!" She paused. "Ron. Did anyone tell Ron yet?"

            "Yes, and he's resting in Professor Dumbledore's office right now."

            "What about Harry?"

            "No, no one's told him yet. I was planning to call him in next."

            "May I tell him?" Hermione asked.

            It was an odd request, but McGonagall nodded. "If it will help you, then yes, you may be the one to tell him."

            Hermione ran off to find Harry. He was sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room. She pulled him into a corner. "Harry, we need to forgive Ginny."

            "What? No way, Hermione. What she did was really low," Harry argued.

            "You don't understand, Harry. We _have _to. She… She…" Hermione began weeping again.

            "Hermione, what is it? What's wrong?"

            Hermione swallowed roughly before going on. "She killed herself, Harry," she whispered.

            "What? No way. She couldn't have."

            "She did. Professor McGonagall told me. She slit her wrists."

            "Oh my God…" Harry was stunned. How could Ginny have done such a foolish thing? 

            "We have to forgive her. We have to, or she'll float around Hogwarts forever and be miserable."

            "Of _course_ I forgive her! I mean, she's…she's _dead_." He gulped. "Does Ron know?"  
            "McGonagall told him."

            "We need to see him."

            "I think Ron needs to be alone right now, Harry."

            "You're probably right." 

            Hermione pulled Harry into a hug. "God, Harry, what have we done?"

*                                                                                  *                                                                                  *

            Six redheaded Wesley boys stood around the headstone that read "RIP. Ginny Weasley. Daughter, Sister, Friend." Her parents stood beside her brothers. Molly Weasley was overcome with tears. Her husband held her. The boys tried not to cry, but it was difficult. Ron stood perfectly still, remaining in shock from the news. 

            "Why didn't I talk to her?" Hermione cried out. Everyone turned to watch her. "Why didn't I tell her I didn't hate her? Why didn't I tell her I forgave her? Why didn't I tell her I cared about her and wanted her to live? Why wasn't I there for her?"

            "Hermione," Harry said gently.

            "No! Don't try to calm me down. God, Harry, my last words to her were, 'get out.' Get out. That's the last thing she ever heard me say. How could I let it end like that? Why didn't I forgive her then, when I could have helped her? Why didn't I realize how much she was suffering?"

            "Hermione, it's not your fault," Ron said suddenly. For a moment, everyone was stunned. Ron hadn't spoken since Ginny's death. "It's no one's fault except hers. I know that she needed us, but you know what? What she did was rotten, and-"

            "Ron, please. You have to forgive her. Don't hold a grudge against her now," Harry said.

            "She shouldn't have done it. She shouldn't have used us to get out of trouble."

            "Ron, you don't know what you're saying," Fred Weasley said, trying to calm his brother down.

            "She_ chose_ to die!"

            "Ron!" Percy Weasley shouted. "Don't talk like this. You're upsetting Mum."

            "She wanted to die and she did, and there's nothing else to say about it!"

            "Shut up, Ron!" Hermione shouted at him through her tears. "You're just saying that because you're angry, but not with her, with _yourself_. You feel as guilty as I do. You think it's your fault."

            Ron collapsed to his knees, weeping with his face in his hands. "Gods, I killed her! I killed my sister!"

            "No, Ron!" Harry said, kneeling next to Ron and pulling him into a tight hug. "It wasn't your fault!"

            "I should have known! She was my sister and I didn't even know she was depressed! I should have looked out for her, and instead I turned my back!"

            "Ron," Hermione said gently, kneeling beside him, "This is no one's fault but Ginny's. You're right about that. She chose to die. While what we did may have been the last straw, she was already depressed. She wanted to die long before any of this happened. We can't blame ourselves, because that won't fix anything. But we _can_ do something else. We can _forgive her_ for what she did. We can let her know that we've let it go, and that we're not angry anymore. Can you do that, Ron?"

            Ron blinked. "I forgive you, Ginny," he whispered.

            Harry looked up at the sky. "I forgive you, too, Ginny," he said.

            Hermione gazed up at the sky through her tears and said, "And I forgive you, too, Ginny. I just wish I'd done it sooner. God, I wish I'd done it sooner! But I can't change things, can I? I'm so sorry it ended up this way, Ginny, I am _so sorry_! I just hope that, wherever you are now, you found what you were looking for."

            They remained there, the ten of them, as the sun began to set. A butterfly fluttered past and landed on Hermione's finger. The others watched in silence, each understanding the symbolic truth that it brought. Finally, Ginny was free.


	5. End Note, Please Read

**END NOTE:**

            If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please read this first: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ or call 1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-999-9999, or ask an operator to connect you to a suicide hotline. If you're feeling unsafe, go to the emergency room. Someone will be able to help you. Please remember that suicide is never the right answer. Trust me, I've been on both ends of suicide, and it does nothing but cause more pain.

Merry Part Karen, until we Merry Meet Again.


End file.
